I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
