omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
