Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
