You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
