I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
