Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
