he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
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