i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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