I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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