I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The power of my boobs compel you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
