Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
