Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she told me i tasted like america
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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