I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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