Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Drunk is a universal language darling
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
