woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
