I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He felt like a one man threesome
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
