Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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