theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
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