There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
