I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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