Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
