those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
