Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
