there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
