I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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