i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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