I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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