i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
