Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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