So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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