I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
