Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
