I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
