I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
