I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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