My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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