watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
