How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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