Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
