My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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