I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
