i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
