This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
