Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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