cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
