Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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