i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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