he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
