6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
