I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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