I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
